Sunday, December 18, 2011

Broken Hearts will be Healed

As I type, I'm almost at a loss for words. I have so much to say, but I'm not sure what to say, and I'm not sure it's what people want to hear. During this difficult time, I'm just thankful for the family and friends that are willing to say an extra prayer for and are willing to just sit with me when I can do doing nothing but cry. Those are things I need the most right now, because there are no words that make me feel better and nothing takes away the pain. I find comfort in knowing that God's grace is sufficient, and that he promised to get me through this, and I know he will.
     I never thought this would happen to me, to my family. I never thought that I would miscarry, and go through the grief and the pain that comes with something like this. My heart always went out to those who had miscarried, but I never knew what they were going through or how they felt. Now that I do, I'm thankful I prayed extra hard for them, I'm thankful that I offered them a shoulder to lean on even though I could not make them feel better.
  The physical pain is awful, I hurt, my stomach cramps, my head hurts from all the crying, and I'm just downright tired. There's more to it, but it gets a little personal. For me, the worst part is the emotional pain. My heart hurts, it literally aches and feels broken and empty. I wasn't very far along, but even my stomach feels empty. There once was a baby there, it was growing and becoming into this wonderful thing, and now it's gone. Just gone. No definite reason why, just gone. It took all I could do no to break down while the tech finished up the sonogram. It was awful, there on screen was our little baby. Very tiny, but very there. It was so hard to hear I'm so sorry, but there's no heartbeat". My eyes were seeing this baby, but my hears were hearing it's gone. Finally, after what felt like forever, I was able to get to Chris, the first thing he did was hug me, tell me that it was going to be ok, and that God does all things well. At that moment, I knew things were going to be ok, but I still was having a hard time getting it together. I had to though, I had to face the doctor, I had to face all the happy pregnant women, and the new parents with they bundles of joy in the waiting room. I had to get out of that place. Thankfully, the staff was great, my nurse took me the back way to the room, and the doctor was amazing. Very compassionate, but professional. She knew nothing she was going to say was going to make it better, but she went over the options we had, and told me what was normal, what was not, and how long we needed to wait before we begin to try again for another baby. She assured me I did nothing wrong, that something was wrong with the baby, like a chromosome missing or something like that, that caused me to miscarry. I had to schedule another appointment for Monday to make sure everything is going like it should, and the I will be clear from there care until further notice. I could not get out of that place any faster. The elevator ride felt like an eternity, and when we got to the car, I knew our next move was to make the phone calls to inform our family and closet friends. I couldn't do it, thankfully my husband was able to make those calls for me. Each time he said, "Jennifer miscarried" the tears fell. I just couldn't stop them. I just couldn't. It was awful. I felt like I was in a dream, and I was praying I would wake up. 
I knew I needed time to cope with what had happened and I needed time to get myself together before I came. After all, my beautiful, healthy wonderful two year old was waiting for me. She needs me, she needs a healthy, put together mother, who takes care of her despite the circumstances. I can't just let her go, because we lost our baby. She's still my alive and well baby, and in no way am I willing to take that for granted, so I had to get myself together. Retail Therapy....that was my "remedy". Didn't really buy too much, but just the distraction was worth it. Chris did let me get my hair cut colored, which I love. It helped the most. Just being in that chair letting someone else pamper me, made me feel so much better. After hours of walking around the store and getting my hair done, I was ready. I was ready to see my family, my daughter, and just to be around those closet to me. 
I did well for the rest of the afternoon, but when the night time hit, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. It was sinking in, there was nothing more to keep me busy, I had finally posted it to my Facebook, so I didn't want to be on there, when I watched tv it was like staring into space, cleaning didn't help either. All I could do was cry. I was home, I was home with my family, minus one. Things were different and never again were they going to be the same. My time was consumed with a baby and Maddison. What were going to decorate the nursery with, what were we going to name our baby, how can we explain to Maddison she's going to be a big sister. I took care of Maddison, the everyday things it takes to make sure she's happy and cared for and then of course the extra loving that this momma loves to give. Now, I feel kind of empty and lost. Maddison is still here, and I still love her and take the time with her because she deserves it, but I'm not sure how to tell her there's no baby. Thankfully, she hasn't asked or said anything, but I'm waiting, and I know it's going to be difficult, but it's ok. As a family, we will get through, and one day, if it's the Lord's will, she will be a big sister.
Someone said to me, sometimes we go through these things, so that way one day we can help someone else who is where we are now. I don't know the reason this has happened, and I feel all kinds of emotions about it, but I know the One who knows the reason, and I fully trust Him with my life, and I know that he does things that are to my benefit. I think I'm finally coming to terms with this miscarriage. I'm realizing, that my life will go on, things will be ok, and though they may be difficult, this too shall pass. I still have my moments, but I'm determined to get past this. It will not consume me, and take over my life and keep me from doing what I love and taking care of my family. I'm leaning of them and God, and I know I will get through this. I don't know when the time will be, but when God says the time is right, we will try for another baby. I'm scared to death that I could miscarry again, but it all goes back to God knows best. He holds the future, and as long as we follow Him and do things according to His will, everything will be ok. He's never let me down, and I know He won't. Once again, even though I'm heartbroken, I'm looking for the blessing. My wanting for another baby, is still there, but I know, when the time is right, I'll know it. 
Thank you for all the prayers, they are greatly appreciated, and we still need them. I know my broken heart won't be healed over night, that it takes time. *Romans 8:28*

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