Sunday, December 18, 2011

Broken Hearts will be Healed

As I type, I'm almost at a loss for words. I have so much to say, but I'm not sure what to say, and I'm not sure it's what people want to hear. During this difficult time, I'm just thankful for the family and friends that are willing to say an extra prayer for and are willing to just sit with me when I can do doing nothing but cry. Those are things I need the most right now, because there are no words that make me feel better and nothing takes away the pain. I find comfort in knowing that God's grace is sufficient, and that he promised to get me through this, and I know he will.
     I never thought this would happen to me, to my family. I never thought that I would miscarry, and go through the grief and the pain that comes with something like this. My heart always went out to those who had miscarried, but I never knew what they were going through or how they felt. Now that I do, I'm thankful I prayed extra hard for them, I'm thankful that I offered them a shoulder to lean on even though I could not make them feel better.
  The physical pain is awful, I hurt, my stomach cramps, my head hurts from all the crying, and I'm just downright tired. There's more to it, but it gets a little personal. For me, the worst part is the emotional pain. My heart hurts, it literally aches and feels broken and empty. I wasn't very far along, but even my stomach feels empty. There once was a baby there, it was growing and becoming into this wonderful thing, and now it's gone. Just gone. No definite reason why, just gone. It took all I could do no to break down while the tech finished up the sonogram. It was awful, there on screen was our little baby. Very tiny, but very there. It was so hard to hear I'm so sorry, but there's no heartbeat". My eyes were seeing this baby, but my hears were hearing it's gone. Finally, after what felt like forever, I was able to get to Chris, the first thing he did was hug me, tell me that it was going to be ok, and that God does all things well. At that moment, I knew things were going to be ok, but I still was having a hard time getting it together. I had to though, I had to face the doctor, I had to face all the happy pregnant women, and the new parents with they bundles of joy in the waiting room. I had to get out of that place. Thankfully, the staff was great, my nurse took me the back way to the room, and the doctor was amazing. Very compassionate, but professional. She knew nothing she was going to say was going to make it better, but she went over the options we had, and told me what was normal, what was not, and how long we needed to wait before we begin to try again for another baby. She assured me I did nothing wrong, that something was wrong with the baby, like a chromosome missing or something like that, that caused me to miscarry. I had to schedule another appointment for Monday to make sure everything is going like it should, and the I will be clear from there care until further notice. I could not get out of that place any faster. The elevator ride felt like an eternity, and when we got to the car, I knew our next move was to make the phone calls to inform our family and closet friends. I couldn't do it, thankfully my husband was able to make those calls for me. Each time he said, "Jennifer miscarried" the tears fell. I just couldn't stop them. I just couldn't. It was awful. I felt like I was in a dream, and I was praying I would wake up. 
I knew I needed time to cope with what had happened and I needed time to get myself together before I came. After all, my beautiful, healthy wonderful two year old was waiting for me. She needs me, she needs a healthy, put together mother, who takes care of her despite the circumstances. I can't just let her go, because we lost our baby. She's still my alive and well baby, and in no way am I willing to take that for granted, so I had to get myself together. Retail Therapy....that was my "remedy". Didn't really buy too much, but just the distraction was worth it. Chris did let me get my hair cut colored, which I love. It helped the most. Just being in that chair letting someone else pamper me, made me feel so much better. After hours of walking around the store and getting my hair done, I was ready. I was ready to see my family, my daughter, and just to be around those closet to me. 
I did well for the rest of the afternoon, but when the night time hit, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. It was sinking in, there was nothing more to keep me busy, I had finally posted it to my Facebook, so I didn't want to be on there, when I watched tv it was like staring into space, cleaning didn't help either. All I could do was cry. I was home, I was home with my family, minus one. Things were different and never again were they going to be the same. My time was consumed with a baby and Maddison. What were going to decorate the nursery with, what were we going to name our baby, how can we explain to Maddison she's going to be a big sister. I took care of Maddison, the everyday things it takes to make sure she's happy and cared for and then of course the extra loving that this momma loves to give. Now, I feel kind of empty and lost. Maddison is still here, and I still love her and take the time with her because she deserves it, but I'm not sure how to tell her there's no baby. Thankfully, she hasn't asked or said anything, but I'm waiting, and I know it's going to be difficult, but it's ok. As a family, we will get through, and one day, if it's the Lord's will, she will be a big sister.
Someone said to me, sometimes we go through these things, so that way one day we can help someone else who is where we are now. I don't know the reason this has happened, and I feel all kinds of emotions about it, but I know the One who knows the reason, and I fully trust Him with my life, and I know that he does things that are to my benefit. I think I'm finally coming to terms with this miscarriage. I'm realizing, that my life will go on, things will be ok, and though they may be difficult, this too shall pass. I still have my moments, but I'm determined to get past this. It will not consume me, and take over my life and keep me from doing what I love and taking care of my family. I'm leaning of them and God, and I know I will get through this. I don't know when the time will be, but when God says the time is right, we will try for another baby. I'm scared to death that I could miscarry again, but it all goes back to God knows best. He holds the future, and as long as we follow Him and do things according to His will, everything will be ok. He's never let me down, and I know He won't. Once again, even though I'm heartbroken, I'm looking for the blessing. My wanting for another baby, is still there, but I know, when the time is right, I'll know it. 
Thank you for all the prayers, they are greatly appreciated, and we still need them. I know my broken heart won't be healed over night, that it takes time. *Romans 8:28*

Monday, December 12, 2011

Those I Miss!

With Christmas coming quickly, I've been thinking a lot about my Granny Jackie and Papa Kelley. They have passed on, but I can remember exactly how I felt having Christmas for the first time without them. It's heartbreaking and sad, and would love nothing more but for them to be here.
      Granny Jackie was a lady I looked up too. She was strong willed and she was one of my best friends. She was the one who after I was born took my sleeper off to make sure I had the "Gockley" toes. She always "believed" me when I said I was starving because my momma never fed me, and sat me down in the middle of the table with a tub of butter! (yuck!!! I hope I didn't eat a lot of it!) Lol. Her house was always clean and she always had a candy dish on the coffee table with our favorite candy in it. She would always fuss with Papa Robert and never let him forget that he was an awful snorer. Granny loved to fish! Loved to fish! You could pretty much guarantee she was fishing if she wasn't home. Most of my childhood memories are with her and Papa in St. Augstine fishing. They had a house boat, and every other weekend, I was on that boat with them fishing the days away. We would sit out on the dock for hours just fishing. I remember trying to catch the little bitty crabs, and I even caught a blow fish one time. I can remember walking up to the showers about dusk every afternoon to get ready for bed. On the way to the boat, we would always stop at this one particular store and get the few groceries we would need, and a gallon of tea. It was the best tea, I ever had. On the way home, we always stopped at the ice cream shop and would get pistachio ice cream. I remember it being such a pretty green color. Lol. Those were the best times! When we weren't fishing together, you could find us on Granny's bed watching tv doing word circles. She always had a ton of those books, and would always give me one to do with her. She had tons of shoes, jewelry and was very set and particular in her ways. She loved us grand kids, and I could always count on her. She loved her out door swing where she would sit and do more word circles.  She was hot headed at times, but very loving, and she taught me a lot of things. I miss that woman more than I can say. I wish she had been here to see me graduate and get married. I wish she was here to spoil Maddison rotten and watch her grow just like she did me. Sometimes I just wish I could go to her house to find her laying on the bed to just get away and enjoy some quiet time with her. She was grounded and strong and I hope that I have many of wonderful qualities.
      Papa Kelley, was the Papa with all the animals when we were growing up. I mostly remember helping him feed and tend to the rabbits! He had tons of them! He was very patient, he hardly got frustrated, and always gave us what we wanted. He would take us to the store and tell us, get what you want, and would never think twice about it. I remember when we spent on weekend with him when Anthony was real little. I heard Papa tell my mom that Anthony was good as gold....but when we got in the car, I was like momma, Anthony did nothing but cry the entire weekend! Lol. I will never forget the smell of the certain cigarettes that he smoke or going shopping for food at Hitchcocks on the way to his house. He never made us buy the "good" food, but would let us have cookies for breakfast if that's what we wanted. I'll never forget that little green truck he drove, and every time I see one like his, I automatically think of him. He was always there for me. He would help me in whatever way he would, and would give me whatever I needed. I didn't like when he moved to Tenn for the time, he was too far away, and I missed him a lot. Thankfully he moved back! :) I'm thankful that he was at my wedding and that he was here to meet Maddison. There's a picture I have, the last one that I took of Papa and Maddison together, and it is one of my many treasures. I love that picture, and I'm so glad I will have it for years to come. He was a great man, someone who was humorous and laughed at most things. Someone who got along with my Grandmother, even though they were divorced, and someone who changed my life.
  Both of these people are dearly missed. I would love for both of them to be here now and for Christmas, I would love for them to be in home, to be a part of my ever growing family, but the memories that we made when they were here, keep them alive, and I'm thankful and I'm lucky to have had such great grandparents like them. Our Christmases will never be the same without them.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

What a Day!

What a day it has been! I have had the worst headache and have spent the day holding the couch day sleeping. I missed church. :/ Thankfully, though, my in laws took Maddison to church and kept for her the day so I could rest. I don't know where this headache came from, but I wish it would go away. Nothing I do is making it better. I just hope there's nothing more to it, and that I manage not to get sick this year.

Anyways, it was nice having the rest, and now I ready to begin the week. I have spent most of the past week cleaning and cleaning. There's just so much to be done, because I don't do it on a regular basis, but that has changed. I have learned my lesson. All the going though, has helped me to sleep much better. So far everything with this pregnancy is going well. My worst symptom is being tired...ALL the time! I remember feeling the same way with Maddison, but I don't remember it being this bad. Of course, I wasn't having to keep up with a 2 year old at the time either. I'm just really trying to balance getting everything done and getting plenty of rest. I try to do something, then take a break and then begin again. It takes me longer, but it's working. I'm so excited about my appt on the 27th. I cannot wait! I can't wait to see the baby, and see the heart beat, and to get a more accurate due date. All of that makes everything sooo real, and it just can't get here fast enough!
On top of the excitement for our first baby appt, we have all the greatness of Christmas! I'm so excited, to take Maddison to church on Christmas, cook my first Christmas dinner and enjoy the time with my family and I can't wait til Maddison gets her gifts! I'm really enjoying because next year it will be different! It won't just be three of us, and I'm so blessed to have a growing family, but I am also loving every minute with just the three of us. Things will never be the same, but they will be just as wonderful!
I hope that those around me are enjoying this time of year, that they're enjoying their families and making the best of it! I'm not stressing over the best gifts or what I can or can't buy, I'm just thankful for what I have to give and those I have to give too! The time spent with my family makes it the best time I could ask for!