Broken Hearts will be Healed

As I type, I'm almost at a loss for words. I have so much to say, but I'm not sure what to say, and I'm not sure it's what people want to hear. During this difficult time, I'm just thankful for the family and friends that are willing to say an extra prayer for and are willing to just sit with me when I can do doing nothing but cry. Those are things I need the most right now, because there are no words that make me feel better and nothing takes away the pain. I find comfort in knowing that God's grace is sufficient, and that he promised to get me through this, and I know he will.

     I never thought this would happen to me, to my family. I never thought that I would miscarry, and go through the grief and the pain that comes with something like this. My heart always went out to those who had miscarried, but I never knew what they were going through or how they felt. Now that I do, I'm thankful I prayed extra hard for them, I'm thankful that I offered them a shoulder to lean on even though I could not make them feel better.

  The physical pain is awful, I hurt, my stomach cramps, my head hurts from all the crying, and I'm just downright tired. There's more to it, but it gets a little personal. For me, the worst part is the emotional pain. My heart hurts, it literally aches and feels broken and empty. I wasn't very far along, but even my stomach feels empty. There once was a baby there, it was growing and becoming into this wonderful thing, and now it's gone. Just gone. No definite reason why, just gone. It took all I could do no to break down while the tech finished up the sonogram. It was awful, there on screen was our little baby. Very tiny, but very there. It was so hard to hear I'm so sorry, but there's no heartbeat". My eyes were seeing this baby, but my hears were hearing it's gone. Finally, after what felt like forever, I was able to get to Chris, the first thing he did was hug me, tell me that it was going to be ok, and that God does all things well. At that moment, I knew things were going to be ok, but I still was having a hard time getting it together. I had to though, I had to face the doctor, I had to face all the happy pregnant women, and the new parents with they bundles of joy in the waiting room. I had to get out of that place. Thankfully, the staff was great, my nurse took me the back way to the room, and the doctor was amazing. Very compassionate, but professional. She knew nothing she was going to say was going to make it better, but she went over the options we had, and told me what was normal, what was not, and how long we needed to wait before we begin to try again for another baby. She assured me I did nothing wrong, that something was wrong with the baby, like a chromosome missing or something like that, that caused me to miscarry. I had to schedule another appointment for Monday to make sure everything is going like it should, and the I will be clear from there care until further notice. I could not get out of that place any faster. The elevator ride felt like an eternity, and when we got to the car, I knew our next move was to make the phone calls to inform our family and closet friends. I couldn't do it, thankfully my husband was able to make those calls for me. Each time he said, "Jennifer miscarried" the tears fell. I just couldn't stop them. I just couldn't. It was awful. I felt like I was in a dream, and I was praying I would wake up. 

I knew I needed time to cope with what had happened and I needed time to get myself together before I came. After all, my beautiful, healthy wonderful two year old was waiting for me. She needs me, she needs a healthy, put together mother, who takes care of her despite the circumstances. I can't just let her go, because we lost our baby. She's still my alive and well baby, and in no way am I willing to take that for granted, so I had to get myself together. Retail Therapy....that was my "remedy". Didn't really buy too much, but just the distraction was worth it. Chris did let me get my hair cut colored, which I love. It helped the most. Just being in that chair letting someone else pamper me, made me feel so much better. After hours of walking around the store and getting my hair done, I was ready. I was ready to see my family, my daughter, and just to be around those closet to me. 

I did well for the rest of the afternoon, but when the night time hit, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. It was sinking in, there was nothing more to keep me busy, I had finally posted it to my Facebook, so I didn't want to be on there, when I watched tv it was like staring into space, cleaning didn't help either. All I could do was cry. I was home, I was home with my family, minus one. Things were different and never again were they going to be the same. My time was consumed with a baby and Maddison. What were going to decorate the nursery with, what were we going to name our baby, how can we explain to Maddison she's going to be a big sister. I took care of Maddison, the everyday things it takes to make sure she's happy and cared for and then of course the extra loving that this momma loves to give. Now, I feel kind of empty and lost. Maddison is still here, and I still love her and take the time with her because she deserves it, but I'm not sure how to tell her there's no baby. Thankfully, she hasn't asked or said anything, but I'm waiting, and I know it's going to be difficult, but it's ok. As a family, we will get through, and one day, if it's the Lord's will, she will be a big sister.

Someone said to me, sometimes we go through these things, so that way one day we can help someone else who is where we are now. I don't know the reason this has happened, and I feel all kinds of emotions about it, but I know the One who knows the reason, and I fully trust Him with my life, and I know that he does things that are to my benefit. I think I'm finally coming to terms with this miscarriage. I'm realizing, that my life will go on, things will be ok, and though they may be difficult, this too shall pass. I still have my moments, but I'm determined to get past this. It will not consume me, and take over my life and keep me from doing what I love and taking care of my family. I'm leaning of them and God, and I know I will get through this. I don't know when the time will be, but when God says the time is right, we will try for another baby. I'm scared to death that I could miscarry again, but it all goes back to God knows best. He holds the future, and as long as we follow Him and do things according to His will, everything will be ok. He's never let me down, and I know He won't. Once again, even though I'm heartbroken, I'm looking for the blessing. My wanting for another baby, is still there, but I know, when the time is right, I'll know it. 

Thank you for all the prayers, they are greatly appreciated, and we still need them. I know my broken heart won't be healed over night, that it takes time. *Romans 8:28*

Those I Miss!

With Christmas coming quickly, I've been thinking a lot about my Granny Jackie and Papa Kelley. They have passed on, but I can remember exactly how I felt having Christmas for the first time without them. It's heartbreaking and sad, and would love nothing more but for them to be here.
      Granny Jackie was a lady I looked up too. She was strong willed and she was one of my best friends. She was the one who after I was born took my sleeper off to make sure I had the "Gockley" toes. She always "believed" me when I said I was starving because my momma never fed me, and sat me down in the middle of the table with a tub of butter! (yuck!!! I hope I didn't eat a lot of it!) Lol. Her house was always clean and she always had a candy dish on the coffee table with our favorite candy in it. She would always fuss with Papa Robert and never let him forget that he was an awful snorer. Granny loved to fish! Loved to fish! You could pretty much guarantee she was fishing if she wasn't home. Most of my childhood memories are with her and Papa in St. Augstine fishing. They had a house boat, and every other weekend, I was on that boat with them fishing the days away. We would sit out on the dock for hours just fishing. I remember trying to catch the little bitty crabs, and I even caught a blow fish one time. I can remember walking up to the showers about dusk every afternoon to get ready for bed. On the way to the boat, we would always stop at this one particular store and get the few groceries we would need, and a gallon of tea. It was the best tea, I ever had. On the way home, we always stopped at the ice cream shop and would get pistachio ice cream. I remember it being such a pretty green color. Lol. Those were the best times! When we weren't fishing together, you could find us on Granny's bed watching tv doing word circles. She always had a ton of those books, and would always give me one to do with her. She had tons of shoes, jewelry and was very set and particular in her ways. She loved us grand kids, and I could always count on her. She loved her out door swing where she would sit and do more word circles.  She was hot headed at times, but very loving, and she taught me a lot of things. I miss that woman more than I can say. I wish she had been here to see me graduate and get married. I wish she was here to spoil Maddison rotten and watch her grow just like she did me. Sometimes I just wish I could go to her house to find her laying on the bed to just get away and enjoy some quiet time with her. She was grounded and strong and I hope that I have many of wonderful qualities.
      Papa Kelley, was the Papa with all the animals when we were growing up. I mostly remember helping him feed and tend to the rabbits! He had tons of them! He was very patient, he hardly got frustrated, and always gave us what we wanted. He would take us to the store and tell us, get what you want, and would never think twice about it. I remember when we spent on weekend with him when Anthony was real little. I heard Papa tell my mom that Anthony was good as gold....but when we got in the car, I was like momma, Anthony did nothing but cry the entire weekend! Lol. I will never forget the smell of the certain cigarettes that he smoke or going shopping for food at Hitchcocks on the way to his house. He never made us buy the "good" food, but would let us have cookies for breakfast if that's what we wanted. I'll never forget that little green truck he drove, and every time I see one like his, I automatically think of him. He was always there for me. He would help me in whatever way he would, and would give me whatever I needed. I didn't like when he moved to Tenn for the time, he was too far away, and I missed him a lot. Thankfully he moved back! :) I'm thankful that he was at my wedding and that he was here to meet Maddison. There's a picture I have, the last one that I took of Papa and Maddison together, and it is one of my many treasures. I love that picture, and I'm so glad I will have it for years to come. He was a great man, someone who was humorous and laughed at most things. Someone who got along with my Grandmother, even though they were divorced, and someone who changed my life.
  Both of these people are dearly missed. I would love for both of them to be here now and for Christmas, I would love for them to be in home, to be a part of my ever growing family, but the memories that we made when they were here, keep them alive, and I'm thankful and I'm lucky to have had such great grandparents like them. Our Christmases will never be the same without them.

What a Day!

What a day it has been! I have had the worst headache and have spent the day holding the couch day sleeping. I missed church. :/ Thankfully, though, my in laws took Maddison to church and kept for her the day so I could rest. I don't know where this headache came from, but I wish it would go away. Nothing I do is making it better. I just hope there's nothing more to it, and that I manage not to get sick this year.

Anyways, it was nice having the rest, and now I ready to begin the week. I have spent most of the past week cleaning and cleaning. There's just so much to be done, because I don't do it on a regular basis, but that has changed. I have learned my lesson. All the going though, has helped me to sleep much better. So far everything with this pregnancy is going well. My worst symptom is being tired...ALL the time! I remember feeling the same way with Maddison, but I don't remember it being this bad. Of course, I wasn't having to keep up with a 2 year old at the time either. I'm just really trying to balance getting everything done and getting plenty of rest. I try to do something, then take a break and then begin again. It takes me longer, but it's working. I'm so excited about my appt on the 27th. I cannot wait! I can't wait to see the baby, and see the heart beat, and to get a more accurate due date. All of that makes everything sooo real, and it just can't get here fast enough!
On top of the excitement for our first baby appt, we have all the greatness of Christmas! I'm so excited, to take Maddison to church on Christmas, cook my first Christmas dinner and enjoy the time with my family and I can't wait til Maddison gets her gifts! I'm really enjoying because next year it will be different! It won't just be three of us, and I'm so blessed to have a growing family, but I am also loving every minute with just the three of us. Things will never be the same, but they will be just as wonderful!
I hope that those around me are enjoying this time of year, that they're enjoying their families and making the best of it! I'm not stressing over the best gifts or what I can or can't buy, I'm just thankful for what I have to give and those I have to give too! The time spent with my family makes it the best time I could ask for!

The Announcement has been Made!

   The announcement has been made! In 2012 we will be welcoming another member to our family! I can't tell you how excited I am, and how good God has been to me and my family! Our decision to have another baby, was not made lightly. We went back and forth several times. Chris and I talked, talked and talked about everything you can think that would impact having another baby. At times, we were certain the time was right, then sometimes, we felt we should wait longer. So, we waited, and waited some more. I had baby fever like none other, babies were coming into the world all around me, but I wanted to be sure I wanted a baby for me, and for my family and that the time was right, not just because everyone else was having babies. It was tough to tell myself no, but I did, and I'm glad for it too. Finally in August, we decided it was time to begin the journey to having a baby. I was ecstatic. The doctor told us it usually takes couples 8 months to get pregnant. It was hard to swallow that tidbit of info, but I am impatient. I just started praying. I just asked that when the time was right, that God would bless us with a baby, and that it would be His will for our life. At this time, our family and most of our friends didn't know we were trying for a baby. I did mention it to some of my prayer warrior friends, to get some prayers going to for us. It was hard keeping a secret. People kept asking and telling us we needed another one, and all we could say, was not yet. We were trying to patiently wait on God. Even though, we had made the decision, Chris still wasn't completely sure about it. Then, about two weeks before we found we were pregnant, he told me he was ready to have a baby. I can't tell you how it felt to hear those words come from him. I cried... I loved. At that moment, we both new the time was right, and now were just waiting on God. 

    Finally, after getting nauseous every evening at the same time, and just being completed exhausted, we found out on Monday Nov. 21 that we were expecting our second baby. I was completely surprised, because I sure didn't think I was pregnant...despite the symptoms I was feeling. I hadn't given up on getting pregnant, but I had decided to not let it take over my every thought, so I was surprised! Chris and I were super happy, and we couldn't wait to share the news. Of course, I texted a couple of my closet friends to share the news, but we had decided to wait until Christmas. Well, by Wednesday, we couldn't wait any longer, and revealed out news to Chris's family, and the church. On Thursday after telling my parents, we announced to the world of Facebook. Waiting on God's timing, makes everything right. Our preference is a boy, but as long as it's God's will and the baby is happy and healthy, we don't care. We are so in love with this new baby, and it's not very big at all. :) Now my prayers are still for God's will, and that we will have a great pregnancy along with a great labor and delivery day.  So far things are going well, I get nauseous after eating, but so far, we're good on the morning sickness. Thankfully my sleeping has returned and I'm only craving popcorn. I have been thirstier than ever, so hydrating on water has become my thing, but I am loving every minute of it! 

     The goal of my blog now, is to continue to give my two cents on everything, but to also document how we're doing with the pregnancy, how we're adjusting and how Maddison is doing with the big sister thing. Right now, she doesn't really understand, but it's still early, and we're telling her, she's going to be a big sister. She will tell you that the baby is in mommy's tummy, and it's the sweetest thing. I can't wait til the day my children meet each other for the first time. I know Maddison it going to love her sibling like there's no tomorrow, and I know she's going to be a big help. She's a wonderful little girl and I think a baby brother or sister is just what she needs! 

      I am loving life and everything that goes with it. I really should be working on my Christmas decorations...because, you can't see my floor because of everything I have, but there's so much stuff, that I'm a little overwhelmed and have no idea where to begin. It will be a job I tackle after I put Maddion down for the night. Please continue to pray for us, as we open a new chapter to our lives, and I be sure to pray for you too. :) (As a little side note, we've decided to not reveal the name/names we have picked out for the baby, until we know the sex, and are for sure what we want to name him/her. Not sure when we'll tell, but I'll be sure everyone knows. We are open to suggestions though. :) 

      Have a wonderful night, and Gooo Gators! :)

Sorry for the Delay

    It has been a long, long time since I have blogged. Mostly, just because I haven't taken the time to sit down and do it. I don't know why either, I really enjoy blogging. So, here we are, one day away from Thanksgiving. I cannot believe that Nov 2011 is almost over. This year has just flown by. Things are so fast paced, and time just doesn't stop. I'm glad that I've taken the time to enjoy Maddison at a young age, enjoy my family, and the things that are most important. Soon, everything will be changing and I will miss every day that I've had to be at home with Maddison and the one on one time that we've had. She's a special little girl, who grows and learns something new each day. It's crazy to think, she's not a baby anymore, she's a little girl. She's full of personality, stubborn and persistent, but very smart, and willing to do most anything. She loves her family, loves going to church, and is always a very happy person. I'm anxious to see the young lady that she is going to become, but I'm not rushing it, and I'm enjoying every minute of the stubbornness, the potty training, and all the oatmeal she loves to eat. I'm telling you, she can brighten anyone's day, and put a smile on every face. I love her, and wouldn't trade her for the world! :)
      With Thanksgiving tomorrow, and Christmas right around the corner, this is my favorite time of the year. I'm definitely loving it this year, because it has been exceptionally warm! I do not, I mean do not like the cold weather, so I'm perfectly happy! Everyone says, it just doesn't feel like Thanksgiving, or I wish it was colder....no thank you, I can eat just as much on a warm day as I can on a freezing cold day. Maddison can still play outside without freezing, I can open the windows, I'm wearing shorts and flip flops...and I'm loving it! :) I'm super excited about Christmas, it's on Sunday this year, which means we'll have church, but what better way to celebrate Christmas, than going to church? Maddison is at the age, she's going to love it too! She loves church, so church and presents on the same day, is going to make her a very happy little girl. I just wish things weren't so materialistic nowadays. I'm trying hard to show Maddison, that the gift of family, and the love that we feel is the all that we need, that gifts are not a necessity, and that you have to live within your means. For us, that means not a lot. Sometimes I feel bad, and I try to make stretch every penny make sure everyone has something, but Chris always reminds me, it's not about the gifts it's what you can do, and if just inviting everyone over, and having lunch is all you can do, then so be it. We're trying to fill stockings for everyone this year...it's not going so well, but we have a back up plan, and our parents and grandparents have been sure to tell us, not to worry about them. Although, they will get a little something. :) I heard someone say, if you are stressed over the gifts you bought, or the debt you put yourself in to buy the gifts, then you can't really enjoy the time with your family. Sometimes, just a little homemade gift makes all the difference. For me personally, I want you to take the time to make me a hand made card, or ornament for my tree, something that is going to last me a long time. And really, I can't remember half of what I got for Christmas last year, and I know I've already given away some of things Maddison received. Sometimes, the gifts are overwhelming and you just get too much. Just remember, if you can't afford it, then don't. If someone gets mad because you showed up without a gift for them, shame of them. If you come to my house, I'm just glad you're there, and I promise not to be mad. Lol. Just go back to the basics, and enjoy what you have with the family you have with or without gifts. :) Christmas is so much more than gifts, and the true meaning of Christmas is what we should be focused on. Those of you with little children, if you teach them now that they get everything they want, they will always expect it, if you teach them they get what you can buy on your budget with what you have, they will be happy to get it. Remind them also, that there are some children who won't get anything.
     Anyways, I'm done with my little rant....I have to remind myself of that all the time as well. :) Things are going pretty well in the Crews household. Things are tough at times, and I tend to worry a little, but I know that God will supply all of our needs, and He has yet to let me down! I'm supposed to be cleaning, and getting the house ready for Christmas decorations, but I know there's more time to get it done. We've been facing a few decisions lately, and sometimes we feel like our heads are spinning, but we'll make it, and God will show us what we need to do. The rest of this year is going to be great, and I'm looking forward to closing out 2011 and opening 2012. I'm looking forward to some wonderful blessings, and I'm ready to see what is in store for us.

I hope you have a very wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving. be very thankful for all you have, enjoy the family time, and eat lots of good food! :) 
   

Quiet Time

Whew, I am tired. It's been a busy, but good day. I am a bit frustrated though. I'm tired of companies and/or people dragging their feet and thinking they can take all the time they want. As a paying customer, I expect them to do everything they can to make me happy and make sure that everything is done they way it should be. As a customer, I will be sure to let others know about the company. I would think they would want me to say good things, to recommend people to them, and to let others know how satisfied I was. Ugh! We bought a dryer almost two weeks, and have yet to use it because there is something wrong with it. Finally after a week of continually being told that the tech would be here, he finally showed up. Then told us that in a day or so the company would call and we will probably be getting a different dryer. I'm sorry, but a day or two is not going to cut it. I want a dryer now. I have clothes to wash, I paid money for something that and I want to be able to use it. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about it tonight, but in the morning, I'll be on the phone with the Nationawide Appliance, and I'm going to tell them, if they cannot get me a dryer by Saturday morning, I want my money back and I'm going somewhere else. I'm not going to wait another two weeks for something I should have gotten last week. So, I think I'm through venting for the moment.
   Anyways, among the many things I have picked up lately, I decided to try my hand at cake decorating again. The cake came out ok, definitely not my favorite, and I can definitely improve a lot, but it's not the worst. Now, all you Gator Haters, don't think I've switched teams, I'm still a true Gator fan, but I was making this cake for a special person, and to make her truly happy...I had to what she asked. :)

     The Spear, looks nothing like I wanted it to, but that's ok, it will get better. The "F" is also not my favorite, but I'm getting there. This is the first time I've used a lot of icing to decorate, and for the most part, it looks good. Some spots look awful, but of course, more practice will make it better. Now I have to figure out what to do with this thing, but my husband isn't going to let it stay in the house for too long. It took all I could do for to convince him to let me make it. Haha.
      Well, I guess I'm off to enjoy some quiet time. I've got to print the music for tomorrow's Alumni Game and I'm going to finish watching Greys. I might clip and organize my coupons and crochet some, but I'm mainly going to be lazy and rest. It's so nice when both Maddison and Chris are sleeping. I love our time together and I cherish every moment, but once in a while, it's nice to have some quiet time. I hope you call have a good night. :)

Today is going to be a crazy busy today filled with lots of cleaning, and ending with a photo session. I have been neglecting my house lately, and it's showing badly.  It doesn't help that I have all this craft and seasonal stuff every where! I have to get it organized, because it is driving me crazy. There is stuff EVERYWHERE! Blah. Anyways, besides cleaning, I have to get everything together for our pictures, make sure Maddison has a nap so she's not grumpy, send Chris out to Camp Blanding to get my shirt for pictures....(don't know why we haven't already done this....), bake a cake, and hopefully make some Scentsy Samples. Like I said, crazy busy day. So, really I shouldn't be here on the computer, but here I sit. I'm sure I'll get it all done, I always do.  I'm sure excited about out pictures though. It's been about a year since we've had our pictures done, and it's definitely time. We've found a great photographer, who is a wonderful person, and her pictures and prices are awesome. We're taking the chance to get some family photo's done with Chris in his uniform. I've always wanted to get them done, but just haven't had the chance. I am so anxious...we haven't even taken the pictures yet, but I can't wait to see the end result.
    I do have to say, I am a little..well a lot frustrated with the place where we bought our dryer. I've the thing a week and haven't used it yet. Don't know what the issue is, but we called last Wednesday and told the lady what was going on and that we need the tech to come out. She said ok, he'll be there Friday. Well, the tech didn't show up. Chris called again yesterday, the guy said he's not sure what happened or why the tech didn't show up, but he set it up so the tech would show up today. I get up this morning and have a voicemail saying the van for the tech is broke down, and he won't be able to get out here until Thursday! Ugh...it's very frustrating. I really need to wash clothes, and it would be nice to use the dryer that we just bought. I sure hope they show up on Thursday, because I will not be a happy person if they don't.

On to a lighter note, I have become a crafty person...thanks to Pinterest. Which, if you aren't on the site, you really should be. It's great. They have everything. Anyways, I am in the process of making a ribbon wreath. So far it's looking good...I  ran out of ribbon, so I have to go buy some more so I can finish it up. I tried the canvas and glue thing, but it didn't turn out that great. I'm going to try it again and see if I can make it better. I'm going to get a sewing machine or have mom fix mine so maybe I can make some pillow case dresses, and such. I'm still crocheting, I'm actually working on a scarf and beanie set, that is really pretty, but it's taking me forever to get it done. Lol. I really want to learn to crochet some different things, I have lot's of yarn, just have to find the time to learn. I'm really looking forward to making some more wreaths as well. I like being creative, it just takes me a while to get there.
Well, I guess I need to get started on this house. We're still praying for a few things, and thanking God for what we have. I am a very blessed person. A wonderful family, great friends and much much more. :)